The Drinking Game:
- Drink whenver someone says the word "Harlem"
- Drink whenever someone flubs their line or talks over another actor
- Drink whenever Big Daddy speaks at full volume
The Movie:
"Uh! The guy from Harlem! (Watch out!) That cat's a bad dude! (Get on down!) Watch the moves! (The guy from Harlem!) He's a mean, clean, fightin' machine! Uh!"
And with those lyrics to a boogie-down soundtrack, we meet Al Conners, who, according to his theme music, isn't nice, is a robot who specializes in physical altercations and who takes numerous showers. Of course, the film doesn't start with that intro. It starts with a girl on a couch getting hit on by a guy who's apparently kidnapped her. Only don't worry about them because they won't be mentioned for half the film. And then it cuts to:
"Uh! The guy from..."
There is much to love about THE GUY FROM HARLEM: the wide array of leisure suits (including one that's pink and another that's plaid), the constant mistakes that the director probably left in because, well, film is expensive and they could only afford one take, the 70s decor that makes it look like a shag carpet suicide bombed the set, and the fact that the film just changes halfway through because, well, they ran out of plot. But the greatest reason to watch THE GUY FROM HARLEM--the reason you absolutely have to come on Thursday--is the fight scenes. No film in the history of cinema--and we're including those shot by bored 8 year-olds with cell phones--has fight scenes as hilariously inept as the ones in this movie.
Anyway, Al Conners (played by Loye Hawkins in his first and only film role), is a detective living in Miami who is given a job guarding an African princess. The princess--Ashanti--must have gone to one hell of a finishing school because she speaks English with a perfect American accent. In any case, Conners decides that the best way to hide her is to pose as man and wife at a hotel. Once there, Ashanti complains about being sore from the flight and that she needs a massage. If this were a porn and what followed was a sex scene, we'd be fine with this, but instead we are treated to a topless Ashanti getting massaged by a white woman while Conners watches "for security reasons". This goes on for a painfully long time. And then, wait! The masseuse has signaled some thugs out the window! Conners sees this, but says nothing, and after the masseuse leaves he begins to put the moves on Ashanti--which she's totally into. They get interrupted by room service, but as a woman in a dress and heels wheels in a cart, Conners leaps over the table and decks her, because, wait, it's a man, baby! And then a fight breaks out with more thugs joining in. It may be the greatest thing you've scene in your life.
More ridiculousness follows for the next hour, except that at some point Ashanti simply goes back to Africa and Conners spends the rest of the film trying to rescue that kidnapped girl from beginning of the movie, interspersed with a couple of fight scenes that, when witnessed, will complete the thing you were put on Earth to do.
Seriously, though, we've shown a lot of bad movies at DST3K, but THE GUY FROM HARLEM definitely ranks up with PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE and MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE as one of the worst. There is nothing redeemable about this movie, but somehow it forces its way out the other side of bad to become sublimely and hilariously awesome.
Come make fun of it this Thursday!